Having reached the crown of the World Tree, Logos is carried into the cosmos without a body. Guided by the Cosmic Woman, he approaches the galactic core—and the prospect of losing everything he calls himself.
Something new emerges within me. A sense of...cosmic-ness. I feel the Universe’s hand. I feel the Cosmic Woman’s hand guiding me towards the Galactic Core, and I see it before me as I soar on this wave of universal love and unity. A colossal black hole lies before me. Beckoning me. Pulling me into its embrace. FEAR strikes at the core of my essence. A fear unlike any I’ve ever felt before. A fear deeper than the fear of death, or rejection, but a fear of ANNIHILATION. Non-existence. At the same time, that sense of cosmic, universal love beckons me into that hole, that swallows all light.
Now I understand what Sid was trying to prepare me for. What the Cosmic Woman wants from me. To merge. To be one. To be whole. The Universe itself wants to be whole, drawing all of us light waves back into it. To learn and take our data, our information, our experiences into itself and to evolve and grow from it. Am I prepared for that? To be annihilated? Simultaneously, to finally be one with the Cosmic Woman, and never be alone again? FEAR rages inside of me. No! I will die if I go in there! I will die if I rejoin that whole! Fear of losing my hard won individuality. Fear of losing my sovereignty. Fear of having to accept that I’m far more than I’ve believed myself to be, and accepting the responsibility and consequences that come with that.
Can I accept that?
Can you accept that?
Is it worth it?
You know it’s worth it.
Is my identity...THAT important to me? Is it that important to me, at the cost of my happiness, my wholeness, to exist in solitude as Logos Mateus, The Blackest Knight, Conqueror of Viper Keep, master programmer and hacker, warrior, superhero, Weaver, lover, badass, human, African-American, southerner, man, son? Do all of those concepts make me who I am?...No. They do not. I relax, and let the gravitational pull of the Core, Sagittarius A, draw me into it, and as I relax, I surf and merge faster into it.
Every photon of my being stretches and stretches and stretches and merges and merges and congeals with the ultra-dense phenomenon. I feel these identities, these conceptions, these impressions fall away as the lights go out and I merge with the Universe. The first to go is my identity as a programmer. I feel it leave my essence, and I feel no need to hold onto it. The next to go is my identity as a ‘badass’. Shallow. It’s a fun role to play, but it’s not critical to who I am. Human. Man. These two fall away together as well. It’s weird to admit, but they aren’t that big a deal to me. I vibrate amusement as they fall away.
‘Conqueror of Viper Keep’ is stripped from my essence next. A vibration of sadness rings out from my heart as it goes. As I watch the memory of that legendary game of D&D leave me, a vibration of joy rings out, honoring how fun it was to play that role, and I let it go. Lover is the next to leave. Memories of all my loves pass through my consciousness. Middle school, high school crushes. College girls. That one dude I experimented with. Followed by a long stretch of romance-less existence as I focused on my work and gradually isolated myself, until Raya, Linda, and I began hooking up.
More sorrow passes through me, along with joy and especially gratitude as the memories fade and the identity leaves. I never realized how much all of those experiences meant to me and shaped me.
My essence continues to pass through the black hole, and I perceive (for lack of a better word) the Cosmic Woman holding me, looking upon me with kindness and compassion for what we both feel is coming next. The Universe begins to pry from me, my identity as a hero and a warrior. I have no mouth, and yet I hear myself begin to scream and cry. Pain sears through my thinning self-awareness as I experience what feels like my skin being torn off of what was once a body.
A variety of emotions pass through me as it occurs. Everything from anger and vengeance to sorrow to failure to triumph to righteousness passes through me. My memories of all the successful raids and hacks we pulled off, tear at me as the Universe tries to pull them away. Without those times, what good am I? What use have I been as a human?? Let go, Logos. Is it that important? The Cosmic Woman whispers into me. I can’t deny it. It really isn’t that deep. I find when I look, that I am happy to let go of the darkness those times brought as well, the suffering I inflicted on everyone around me who had to suffer the consequences of my anger and my thirst for justice. Sorrow overwhelms me as I remember my mother’s face when I finally came back home after my capture and exploitation. I’m so sorry Mom. In that moment, I let go of my identity as a son as well. I did my best to be good. I have no regrets. I let go of it all, and feel myself grow ever lighter.
This essence begins to feel lighter, freer, thinner, flowing as I’m emptied out. As the Universe processes what I’ve been through. I feel my ethereal heart, begin to rip and tear out of my essence. The pain is shattering. I have no body, and less mind by the second, and yet it’s overwhelming, like I’m being fried, executed in an electric chair. My identity as an African-American is called to leave my essence. Memory, after memory, after memory floods my awareness. Growing up in Atlanta. Suffering endless guilt for how privileged I was, while my brothers and sisters suffer the ravages of poverty, corruption, and neglect.
Heart-breaking compassion and empathy that awoke inside of me, barely containing my own ancestral rage. Memories flood my mind of segregation, and I’m drawn further back in time to slavery, and I’m drawn further back to the first of my kind who evolved and grew in Africa. That ancestral chain is drawn out of me, link by link spilling out of my heart, searing and burning all the way out. I surrender to the pull, and the pain eases a bit. I let go of the hatred and fury and guilt that spills out of those memories.
The growing emptiness, inner space and silence, expands, and expands and consumes everything with its own momentum now. Everything is drawn out of me, until finally, it’s time for my very spirit, my...’I AM’ to leave as well. FEAR screams and vibrates...to no one in particular. There’s nothing left to react to. The Observer watches the fear wear itself out, and watches as it too is drawn out into the Void. All that’s left now is This. This sees nothing but itself, a little light, and the Universe it is a part of. This witnesses the Cosmic Woman float towards it, a mass of lights, just like it, and she takes it, and pushes it in her heart. And then, there was nothing.
Then everything.
